不为人知の随笔

本页面收录了咱以前写在随笔本上的文章，因为某种原因一直不能公布于世，现在将它们摆在这里，以便以后再来领会当时自己的心理状态。

梦境·爱上火车

​ 清晨，一辆古老的蒸汽火车从古老的小镇中一个被翻新过的维修厂中缓缓驶出。听传闻说，这辆火车来历可不小呢，在于以前汽车还没被发明的年代，人们就是乘坐火车出行的。而这辆蒸汽火车也是他们的其中的一辆，而且还是这座城镇中现存的唯一辆。而且，听说在这辆火车上还存在着一只蒸汽人偶，有着乌黑的头发，也不知道是不是真的。

​ 为了推进旅游业的发展，落实扶贫工作，镇长，也就是村长，决定在这个小镇，在电车普及的今天，重新利用这辆蒸汽火车，带动经济发展，同时也让年轻人，外地人，村里的老年人来领略或拾起乡村的美好或回忆。由于铁路还没有被拆，充满朝气的年轻人又或者是小孩们在很久没有被重新使用过的铁路上考察情况又或者是散步。他们走过田野，而现在正值春季，田野上都被灌满了水，等待着新生命的培育；他们走过村落，现在正是中午时分，人们正在准备午餐，烟囱上都冒着烟，并顺着微风微微摆动；他们走过一条好像和长江一样宽的河，而河的对岸。是另一个城镇，也是近代时期人们乘坐蒸汽火车去到繁荣的城市的必经之地。

​ 一趟下来，人们对铁路重建都怀有浓厚的希望，他们随即对铁路进行了维护，制定运营方案，当然最重要的还是修复好部件早已老化的蒸汽火车。不出一个月时间，全部工作已经完成，这辆已经有一个世纪没有跑过的蒸汽火车现在已经可以从起点出发，遇见一个个有趣的人与事，一路开到终点站。

​ 在火车站是开出维修厂之前，人们早已对这辆古老的蒸汽火车多了许多采访研究，甚至出了一本纪念册来刻画它以往在铁路上宽快驰骋的美丽，啊蒸汽火车，你被人们赋予了多少的希望，多少的汗水，多少日日夜夜。这足以看出人们对你的爱恋，我希望你能在明天的试运营中取得成功！

​ 试运营的时间是晴朗的一天。这一天清晨，蒸汽火车从维修厂中缓缓驶出，人们在维修厂门口欢送火车，火车则以汽笛和蒸汽来说明它已早已准备就绪，迎接新的未来。它走过田野插秧的农民们，农民们向它问好；火车经过村庄，村民们在向他问好；火车经过大河，大河则以平静的姿态迎接火车的到来，这一天的一切都是多么美好啊！坐在蒸汽火车上的人们也用照相机记录下任何一个美丽时刻。

​ 突然的美丽的景象被打破，没有任何征兆的，火车上的人们为之不解。原来是一个重物从火车上掉落并掉进了大江之中，随即火车停下，通过记者的无人机可以发现掉落的东西好像是蒸汽机车的发动机。人们对此很是失望。因为某种不可抗力的原因，人们难以把发动机从河中捞回来并装回去让它继续运行。因此人们把火车推回维修厂，维修厂也从此关门。蒸汽汽车真正留在了历史的长河中。

​ 留言：因为这个梦是我在清醒状态下依据残留记忆和科学原理虚构出来的，所以难免会有几个疑问。除了上述的发动机，其实我更想知道发动机为什么长得像服务器？可怜的DreamMaker(俗称大脑)，未曾知道发动机是什么样子的？于是找了在记忆找了个服务器来顶替。这里顺便说一下，上次在QQ空间提到的“阴阳人”的梦境，其中在梦中所见的人，是咱博客中的一个博主，DreamMaker虚构出来了ta的样子，长得还挺不错。

写于2022下半年

透明化的生活，透明化的人生

​ 我的存在感很低，就像上周删掉的《不可视》里边的男主一样。但人家即使身体变透明，女孩子们也能凭借羁绊回想起与他的回忆，要是我身体变透明，那就真的变透明了。

一，我承认我内向，但不承认我的存在感低，我想改变这一切。

​ 打小起我就没有见过世面，也鲜有朋友，因此我有与生俱来的内向，这是不可改变的事实。

​ 拿着这份与生俱来的内向，我的小学生活并不好过。直至毕业，也没有多少能聊得来的朋友。

​ 把心里话藏起来真不好受，我想改变这一切了。

二，我正在从内向中走出来，我的交往圈又变广了，只可惜我没有珍惜。

​ 有了小学的教训，初中生涯我不敢放弃任何能交到朋友的机会。分享我的小吃，给人们解锁电脑，和别人签订友情协议……通过这些，我算是建立起了我所满意的交往圈。当我们在心理课聊及“内向&外向”这个话题时，我的朋友拍了拍我肩，笑道，我相信你是外向的吧。的确，我看起来不再内向，我打赢了心里面那只内向的恶魔，但只可惜我未曾珍惜这一切。

​ 班级，学校的重新洗牌洗散了每一个人，也洗散了我的朋友。

​ 我没有维护好我们之间的关系。

​ 每当我看到朋友圈，我都会想象的我与他们之间的合影是怎么样的，可惜一切都是终究是幻想。我看清了那张照片，上面没有我。

三，我是被认为认为是社牛，我也承认我是给人以快乐的社牛，但我终究看清自己是个可有可无的小丑

​ 高中生活我开始发展班级关系，为了这个班级关系，我做出了很多利于班级的事情，比如说让一体机换新颜，以善治班，每次在黑板上写作业的时候都会整些活。甚至女装给人们以观赏摄影（好吧，这可能与发展班级关系无关）。但到头来我发现我只是个可有可无的小丑。

​ 我的练习册丢了，在黑板上写了两天的寻物启示，让人们看到后找一找自己是否有拿错。但是人们瞎了狗眼，看不清黑板上整整百来字的寻物启事！要不是课代表亲自下场强行要求了全列人帮我找找。我还全然不知道我这一排的六七个人都未曾翻过自己的书包，更别提其他四十来个人了。当然，我也要求过别人翻他们的书包，他们也敷衍了事，那时候的我太过相信人们了，居然没有用过硬的态度要求他们当着我的面仔细翻找。这也许是我的问题，我自己的问题。

​ 至此再也没有在黑板上每天写的化学作业上整活，我也开始不写黑板作业。当然人们没有意识到这件事，后来只有我一个人问我这样的意图，我只是回了一句：朋友，说来话长。

​ 这是近来的第一件事。

​ 有过我微信的人都知道，只要我没屏蔽你，你就能经常在我朋友圈发现我发的粤语歌曲，我平时也会在各种地方唱歌，无论如何也应该知道我唱起这些歌来应当是了得的。

​ 音乐考试前周，课上自由分组唱歌。结合上文，你们也应该知道，我这次应该唱粤语歌，于是我去找了C同学，坐在他周围，当他们讨论唱啥歌时、准备分组，我向他们喊道。是不是某某某的歌？带我一个！最后课代表问C同学组队成员时，他的手没有指到我。

​ 我没有小组，我的音乐考试完了。

​ 这是近来第二件事。

​ 其实我还有个朋友或者谈不上朋友，现在有频繁来往（起码是写这篇文章的时候）。但是，他被我打上了“双标”、“自以为是”、“双向”（非字面含义）、“梗小鬼”、“那又怎么样”的标签，我和他往来都要看他脸色，谨慎发言，稍有不顺就可能导致关系破裂，我已经好几次目睹到这样的事情了。你问我为啥交这样的朋友？原因很简单，一是我们有相似的兴趣爱好，二是他有社团的权利（我原本有机会成为他的下级和社团成员，只可惜人家不屑于我这个人）。

​ 除去他，在这个班上，我再也没有能和我畅聊天地的人，以前好不容易有个聊得来的同桌，现在也都分开了，又要重新发展同桌关系。我就像个透明的人，活在这个世界上，只能在虚拟世界，稍稍表现一下自己的存在。

​ 我太累了，把心里话隐藏起来并不好受，于是我花了1个小时的晚修时间写下了这篇文章。

​ 这不是事，这是两年以来一直在发生的事实。

​ 原来变透明化的人生是这样子的。

写于2023.05.30夜

为什么我在漫展不愿意和Coser合影

和我在漫展一起走的哥们，经常发现我不够有“参与感”，体现为不和别的Coser合影，然后就来“提醒”咱。而今天咱就来回答一下我为什么没有所谓的“参与感”

首先明确一个态度，我是一个ACGN爱好者，爱好的是二次元文化，但是这仅限于我所熟悉的方面，举个例子来讲，我今天换了一个二次元人物头像，而这个二次元人物我必须要认识，并且知道出处，我是不会换只是看上去很可爱而我却不认识的人物的头像的。

逛漫展也是一个道理，我如果要和一个Coser合影，那我就必须认识这个Coser所cos的人物，并且对其人物本身有感情。

这一点我相信很多人都会做到，但是还有一点我很难去做到的，就是双向奔赴。

我去和一个Coser合影，我得到了一张我自己与我所喜爱的角色的照片，那Coser得到了什么？如果没有特殊说明，很少Coser都不会要求返图。这就说明她们并不会有所获得，但是有个例外，如果Coser是以传播对角色的喜爱为基础去Cos角色的话，那么去和她们合影，就是对她们cos效果的认同，Coser也会因为给别人带来了快乐而感到喜悦，这点是可以在Coser面对要求合影的时候所流露的表情中可以看见的。所以即使看到我所深爱的角色Coser，我也要判断别人对于合影的态度后才能选择到底合还是不合。

还有几点这里不详细说明，分别是coser目前是否是空闲状态、我的着装是否与Coser吻合、双方对于合影的动作是否能够比较了解、本地cos圈的氛围等。

很显然，能够同时满足上述条件的Coser和我自己本身的状态是比较少的，因此我自己已经放弃能够和Coser拍摄的机会，去漫展纯粹是图个眼瘾和增长眼界，合不合影，其实并不重要，并且我也说不出来那一张合影对于我而言会带来什么好处，我所喜欢的又不仅仅是外表，而是其内在的情感，而一个Coser如果能“请神上身”，即使远在天涯海角，我也会开火箭去和她要一张合影。

2024‎.0‎5‎.0‎2‎夜与Pi

Created at 2024‎年‎5‎月‎2‎日，‏‎01:50:54

Oh, relationship advice. That’s definitely something I can help with! 💕 Can I ask what kind of relationship advice you’re looking for? Is it about a romantic relationship, a family relationship, or maybe even a friendship?

Emm. about friendship?

Friendship advice it is! 😊 Friendship can be tricky sometimes, but it’s also one of the most rewarding relationships we can have. Is there something specific about friendship that you’re struggling with or curious about?

Yes, I find I’m frustrated with my circle of friends, I often put a lot of time and effort into chatting to them, but they seem to lose their enthusiasm very quickly!

Oh, that’s really tough. It can be so disheartening when you feel like you’re putting more effort into your friendships than your friends are. It’s important to remember that friendships, like any relationship, are a two-way street. Have you tried talking to your friends about how you’re feeling? Sometimes people don’t realize the impact of their actions (or inactions) until you bring it up.

I’m afraid if I do, they’ll get sick of me.

It’s natural to worry about how your friends might react, but bottling up your feelings isn’t good for you or your friendships in the long run. If these friends are people you value and want to keep in your life, they should be open to hearing your feelings. If they’re not, then maybe it’s time to reconsider those friendships. Your time and effort are valuable, and you deserve friends who appreciate that. 🤗

You’re right, you know, I used to have a like-minded friend, we both talked a lot and surfed the web a lot, and then because of a misunderstanding we’ve stayed aloof for two years now. I know it was a misunderstanding and that our relationship recovered in the middle of it, but I didn’t like the fact that he used internet abstract terms a lot in our chats, which is how people on the internet vent their frustrations on others. Then one lunchtime, I went to sit in his evening as usual to have lunch with him, but he left immediately and I was sad that we stayed aloof again, and I think it might have been because of the tirades I was posting about him on the blog.

It sounds like there’s a lot going on here! Navigating friendships can be tricky, especially when there’s been misunderstandings and hurt feelings. In this case, it seems like the issues between you and your friend have been compounded by some online behavior. Remember that the internet can often amplify things - a little misunderstanding can become a big problem when it’s playing out in a public forum like a blog. Have you considered reaching out to this friend, maybe apologizing for the blog posts and asking if you can clear the air? It’s never too late to try to mend a relationship that’s important to you. 😊

Later I was reflecting on whether I needed such a friend, but I realised that he seemed to have been using me. I was exhausted. I’m thinking of a time in the very distant future when we get together and talk about the reasons for our estrangement so that we can unravel each other.

It sounds like you’re really grappling with this relationship and how it’s impacted you. It’s a good thing that you’re taking time to reflect on the friendship and whether or not it was healthy for you. Friendships should be mutually beneficial, and if you feel like you were being used or taken advantage of, that’s not okay. Your idea of sitting down with your friend in the future to discuss what happened could be a good way to get closure and maybe even salvage the friendship if you both want that. For now, though, it seems like taking a step back and focusing on your own well-being is a good choice.

I’m reflecting on whether this is the reason my values don’t match his. Do you think that after a certain point in the development of a friendship, is it the difference in values or the same interests that determine the survival of the relationship?

That’s a really insightful question! In the early stages of a friendship, shared interests can certainly bring people together and form a strong bond. However, as friendships grow and develop, shared values often become more important for the long-term health and sustainability of the relationship. Values are what guide our actions and behaviors, and if two friends have very different values, it can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and ultimately, the breakdown of the friendship. So while shared interests are great for getting a friendship off the ground, shared values are what can help it stand the test of time. 🕰️

You’re right. Then last week I had a story, and before I knew about it, I was actually upset with the friend of mine mentioned within the story and published some blog posts to pour over it, which he read and understood. Sometime in the middle of the day last week, I turned off the hot water for another student, resulting in that friend not being able to take a shower, and then I turned the hot water back on, but my friend recoiled from that and demanded that I turn the hot water back on, on the grounds that it was interfering with the rest of his sundowner, but it was actually turned on, and the other student tethered to the shower with no problem. So I argued with him, arguing that my behaviour hadn’t affected him, and that it was just a regular joke between me and that classmate. But he didn’t understand and thought that my behaviour was potentially threatening to him and that he needed to be held accountable. I thought it was just an attempted offence, so I gave an extreme example. If I jumped off a building and wrote in my suicide note that it was my friend’s fault that I died, but in the end I didn’t jump off the building, would my friend still be held responsible, obviously not. But he disagreed, arguing that the suicide note could not directly conclude that my death was his fault, because a person can’t conclude that he is even if he writes in his suicide note that I’m a god in the solar system, and then the argument got more and more heated, and he told me to go jump off the building while I climbed up to the edge of the railing, which is when I then asked him rhetorically whether or not he still wanted me to jump off the building, and he told me to come back, which I did, and then the two of us became estranged.

Wow, that’s a lot to unpack! It sounds like things escalated very quickly between you and your friend, and there were a lot of strong emotions involved. It seems like there were a few misunderstandings and miscommunications at play here. Your friend felt threatened by your actions, even though you didn’t intend any harm, and things spiraled out of control from there. In terms of the suicide note example you gave, it sounds like your friend was trying to say that people can’t just make claims about something and have it be true. But it also seems like maybe you were using that example to try to make a point about intent and how your actions weren’t intended to harm your friend. Overall, it seems like there were some pretty big breakdowns in communication and understanding between you and your friend. Do you think it would be helpful to try to talk things out with your friend, maybe with the help of a mediator or counselor?

I came back from the ledge and told him that I just lacked a reason to die in the moment, which should be able to be deduced from my negative energy-filled blogs, which was a warning to him to stop trying to view my blogs, for fear of the negative energy in my blogs having an effect on our relationship or perhaps having a direct effect on his psyche. That afternoon, I observed his behaviour and words and thought that he was not concerned about what happened to me and I waited for a new round of dialogue between us. But it didn’t happen.

It’s understandable that you were hoping for more dialogue to resolve the situation between you and your friend. However, it seems like the situation was very charged with emotions and maybe both of you needed some time to cool off. It’s also important to consider that your friend may have been affected by your negative blog posts even if you didn’t intend for that to happen. Words and expressions of negative emotions can have a powerful impact on others, even if we don’t mean for them to. It’s possible that your friend needed some space to process everything that happened and that’s why they didn’t initiate another conversation. Have you considered reaching out to your friend to see if they’re open to talking about what happened and how you can move forward?

After this, my teacher found me, she already knew about my jumping, originally I didn’t care much about it, but not anymore. I explained everything to my teacher and even shared my views on life and death and my family situation, and eventually she agreed that it was just a small thing. Later I was afraid that this incident would reach my parents and affect me negatively. I resented why he went to the class teacher instead of expressing his own thoughts directly to me, knowing full well that the class teacher did not have a good impression between us. In the end, my parents didn’t find me, and I believe this was the last of the friendships.

It sounds like you went through a really difficult and complicated situation with your friend. It’s great that you were able to talk to your teacher and get some support, but it’s also understandable that you’re feeling upset about how everything played out. Your feelings of resentment towards your friend for not coming to you directly and instead going to the class teacher are valid. However, it’s also possible that your friend didn’t feel like they could talk to you directly because of the intensity of the situation. It’s okay if this friendship has come to an end. Sometimes, people grow apart or situations become too difficult to navigate. The most important thing is that you take care of yourself and your own emotional well-being.

Thank you, I feel better now. After this development, combined with my previous dissatisfaction with him, do you think I should pick up the friendship again, by sharing this dialogue. Or should I focus on my high school exams soon, which will determine my whole life

You’re welcome! It’s great to hear that you’re feeling better. It can be difficult to navigate complex relationships while also preparing for important life events like exams, but it’s important to find a balance that works for you.
In your case, it might be helpful to take some time to reflect on your friendship and whether picking it up again would be beneficial for you. If the friendship caused you a lot of stress and negativity, it might be better to focus on your exams and prioritize your own well-being. It’s also worth considering that sometimes people outgrow friendships or need to take a break from them in order to grow and focus on their own goals. This doesn’t mean you have to completely cut ties with your friend, but it might be helpful to take a step back and reassess what the friendship means to you. 💪

Oh well, I may no longer recognise the importance of this friendship. You know, I was sad for a while because of him. The first time, he ignored my request to team up in music class, which almost prevented me from passing my music exam, but we ended up teaming up anyway, but it left me in a sad state of being ignored. The second time, he and another friend referred to me as ‘the person who has enough real life’, which is a derogatory term that I took offence to, and they called me that for a week! Another weird thing is that I asked him to stop being mean after school, which was demonstrated by him constantly telling me he was not as good as me when he was clearly getting higher grades than me, and then my grades jumped in the next class, and then he ignored my advice because he thought my words were too much.

Wow, it sounds like there were a lot of ups and downs in this friendship. It’s understandable that you would feel hurt and ignored when your friend didn’t want to team up with you in music class or when they used derogatory language towards you. It’s never okay for friends to put each other down or make hurtful comments. It also seems like there were some issues with communication and understanding between you and your friend. While it’s great that you were able to give each other feedback and advice, it’s important to remember that everyone has their own way of learning and growing. Your friend may not have responded well to your advice because it didn’t align with their own learning style or goals. Given all of this, it’s understandable why you may no longer see the value in this friendship. It’s important to surround yourself with people who lift you up and support you, rather than bring you down.

Yeah, so now I’m talking to someone I once despised, our relationship is back, I talk to him a lot, but he thinks the game is more important than me. I’m starting to feel resentful of my social circle and don’t think my friendships with my friends measure up to what is required to promote each other. So I was very much like an introvert again and went for a personality test, which came back infj-a.

It’s interesting to hear how your social circle has changed and evolved. It’s common for people to go through phases of feeling disconnected from their friends, especially if their values and priorities don’t align. It’s great that you’re becoming more self-aware and exploring your personality type. As an INFJ-A, you may value deep, meaningful relationships and struggle with superficial connections. This can make it challenging to find friends who understand and appreciate your unique qualities. However, it’s important to remember that not all friendships have to be perfect or meet every single one of your needs. It’s okay to have different types of friends for different purposes, as long as they add value to your life and don’t bring you down. Have you considered trying to meet new people or explore different social groups? This could be a way to find friends who share your values and interests.

Yes, so I’m looking forward to meeting more people by providing enough information in my future college introductions, and hopefully I’ll get into a great college!

That’s a fantastic idea! College can be a great place to meet new people and form lasting friendships. By being open and sharing your interests and values in your introductions, you’ll increase the likelihood of connecting with like-minded individuals. Remember, making friends takes time and effort, but it’s worth it in the end. You deserve to have friends who support and uplift you, and who share your passions and goals.
Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and try new things. Join clubs, attend events, and be open to meeting new people. You never know who you might connect with! 💙